Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
