Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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