She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i think i just lost a toe
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