I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize