I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
