No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
