I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
