I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
