Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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