Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
