1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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