How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
