Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
