so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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