i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
