Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I want to fling myself into the sun
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
