Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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