saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
