I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
