dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
