you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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