Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize