All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
did i just pee glitter
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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