Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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