I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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