I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
