Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
