I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
