I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
