sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
