I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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