cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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