i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
