At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i drank out of a bidet.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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