Soap is not a condiment
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
