my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
