worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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