I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
