I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
