I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
