I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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