fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
All I want is dick and wine.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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