Someone shit on the floor
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
