Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
