What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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