You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
