I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
