I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
