Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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