True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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