he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
