I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
