Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize