Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
