in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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