Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The adults are the big ones right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
