How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
