just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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