Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
