Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
