Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
