god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
