i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
