Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize