Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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