dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
